The Weight of Disappointment

Do you ever feel like people keep breaking your heart, that promises keep shattering, and that the weight of disappointment is all on your shoulders? I know I do, and I’m reminding myself as much as I’m sharing this with you.

I don’t even know where to start tonight. But I’m exhausted. Not just physically, but deep in my chest, in the part of me that feels everything too hard, I am drained from believing people when they promise things will be different. I keep giving chance after chance to the same people who prove over and over they will never change. This weight presses on me every day. It’s heavy. It’s suffocating. It makes it hard to trust again. And yet, I keep going because I have to. I need to remind myself that this is the weight of disappointment, and it’s real.

It hurts more than I can even put into words because I don’t play games. When I care, I care. When I love, I love hard. When I give, I give everything. And when people take advantage of that, it feels like a piece of me has been ripped away and thrown aside. It’s not just what it does to me. It’s the way it echoes through my life, the way it touches my girls, the way it makes me question if trusting anyone is even worth it. Watching them get hurt by promises that weren’t kept, knowing I can’t always shield them, it crushes me. It makes my chest tighten and my stomach ache. This is not a small thing. It’s a weight you carry inside that follows you even when you try to breathe.

I’m not perfect. I have hurt people, and I admit that freely, even if it wasn’t intentional. I don’t play with people’s emotions because I believe in karma. Good karma, bad karma. You get back what you put out into the world. Even as a mother, I’m not perfect. I have let my daughters down and I will let them down again. I have to remind myself of that, but I am learning every day. I will keep making mistakes, but I am trying. I am trying hard to be better for myself and for my girls. I am still teaching them. I am still learning how to show them love, integrity, and strength even when disappointment is crushing. The hardest part is watching them feel that same hurt, seeing their little hearts break when promises are broken, knowing I cannot always protect them from it.

I’ve reached a point where I know people can’t always be trusted. They lie. They break promises. They say what sounds good in the moment. But God? He never does that. He never plays with your heart or dangles hope just to take it away. Even as I write this, I have to remind myself of that truth.

It’s not enough to just pray or show up at church and think that automatically makes you right or good. Some people are so good at performing faith, at showing everyone how spiritual they are, that they use it as an excuse to avoid real growth. To avoid admitting when they are wrong. To avoid taking responsibility for the way they hurt others. I have to pause and ask myself: Am I guilty of ever doing something like that? Even in my own small ways, maybe I have. I don’t claim to have it all figured out. But there comes a point when you have to realize the world isn’t built to excuse manipulation or selfishness forever.

I take the time to reflect. I own my mistakes. I am honest with myself. Too many people live in defense, convinced the world is out to get them, never looking at themselves. Some people use their past as a shield for how they act now. That might explain behavior, but it doesn’t excuse it forever. There comes a point when you have to stop letting the past define how you treat people today. If you want real relationships, a good life, and real things that last, you have to let go, take responsibility, and put your faith in God. Otherwise, all you will do is end up stuck, alone, and lost.

We cannot be immature and reactive. Hurting someone back because we were hurt does not fix anything. Growth comes from honesty, accountability, and the courage to face your own flaws. Real change starts with reflection and the willingness to admit when you are wrong. I’m reminding myself of this as much as I hope it reminds anyone reading this.

Even in all this hurt, I’m showing my girls what real strength looks like. Not the kind that ignores pain, but the kind that faces it, feels it, and keeps going with faith. I want them to see that disappointment does not define us. How we respond does. Love and loyalty are still worth giving, but wisdom has to guide us. God sees everything. He knows when people have tried to take advantage, when hearts have been tested, and when promises have been broken. One day all of that will be made right, and I can keep trusting Him to work in His timing.

I am still healing. I am still tired. I am still a work in progress. I am not perfect, but I am learning. I am loving smarter. I am teaching my girls that we rise no matter what. I hear myself as I write this. I remind myself of these truths as much as I hope they resonate with anyone reading.

With pain and disappointment,

Just Catrina